Life With My Autistic Daughter Has Left Me Bruised, Bitten and Traumatized

We have tried everything. What would you do in my shoes?

Bites have left bruises all over M’s mother, including her legs.

Bites have left bruises all over M’s mother, including her legs.

By Carrie W

We are going through hell.

I am hiding from my severely autistic daughter, M. She is in my room, where she is most comforted, however, I can’t risk being with her, she has attacked me, bit me, countless times, and is ready for more.

The other day, I fell asleep with the door unlocked, exhausted from the trauma and aggression. M came in, and sat on the bed. I immediately jumped up to make sure she was not going to bite or grab me. I quickly cleared everything off the nightstand knowing she would move everything the floor. Surfaces need to be clean for her when her OCD is so out of control. 

So I left the room. I just wanted to go down to the kitchen and get a ginger ale. But she followed me and immediately grabbed her shoes, signaling she wanted to go for a ride. I couldn’t take her. I would have, but was feeling nauseated. This is NOT good. We know what will happen next. 

Will she launch into another rage? From here I can’t get safely to a room to lock a door. She is so strong and injures us severely when she bites. Thankfully, she goes back up to my room. And I quickly go back into hers, and lock the door. This is NO WAY TO LIVE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE!!!!

Her father ends up taking her on a ride. I text him asking him to try taking her to the playground. Maybe she can run around and get her energy out. But the ride is brief because M doesn’t want to go when they arrive. She waves her hand in a certain way which means she’s irritated and to move on quickly. They arrive back home after the drive-through at McDonalds. Okay good, I’m thinking to myself, she’ll be okay. She went on a car ride. But she is not okay. She has another aggressive episode. 

From downstairs I hear loud slamming and I know something is wrong. My heart is pounding. I don’t know what to do. I hear footsteps running up the hallway and a door slam. Then I hear M trying to pull my door open furiously. She’s very angry. I get a text to stay in the room. My son receives a text to stay in his. And for the first time, her father has now locked himself in the bathroom. This is now our safety plan. 

We then hear our dog Stella bark in a very angry manner. This startles all of us. But mostly my son, who is now crying. He opens the door worried that M has hurt the dog. His dad is trying to calm him, to get him to stop crying, because this makes my daughter’s aggression worse. We quickly bring Stella in with me and we all go back to our rooms, locking the doors. We wait. Finally, we don’t hear anything and her dad goes to check on her. He and my son are furious with me. Why did I let her see me? Was this the trigger? I feel terrible, and if I could jump out the window and run away from this, I would. But I can’t. 

The good news is that we have found a residential placement for M. But it’s more than three weeks before she can move in and we don’t know how we will survive until then. The trauma has taken its toll. We are all walking on eggshells, not knowing when she will have another meltdown. 

M’s meltdowns are severe. First responders, ER staff, hospital staff have all witnessed her rage episodes. When she has these attacks she is a danger to herself and to others. She will bite and attack with sheer rage. And if she’s overwhelmed with this, she will also bite herself. She stopped these self-injurious behaviors months ago when she was at a group home. But now she has started injuring herself again. I am so frustrated and upset for her. 

Do I leave and go to a hotel like I’ve done before? No, I can’t do that. At this point, her father cannot be alone without my help. He now has motocross protective wear, like body armor, to protect himself. I do not do much in the bedroom with the door locked, but I can at least call 911 if he needs help.

Before you judge me, I ask, what would you do in our shoes? And are you willing to come to our house to become a caregiver for our daughter?

Carrie’s husband’s new protective gear, as recommended by a police officer.

Carrie’s husband’s new protective gear, as recommended by a police officer.

My heart breaks for M, but we cannot do this alone without more assistance. But, for at least now, there is none. And we won’t put her through another Emergency Room visit only to hear once again, “She can’t be admitted to inpatient psych because she has autism.” She has already been discharged from a program by a system that works against the families, instead of for them.

My heart breaks for my son as well to be living his childhood and adolescence this way. 

I am tired. I am drained. I want to fight this and send email and letters to all the people in government and county who look the other way. I will fight for more crisis care centers. But right now, at this very moment, I am overwhelmed. We are just trying to get through another day. One day closer to her being admitted to the program. One day closer to getting her help she needs. And the help we will all need after going through this.

Carrie W is a pseudonym for the mother of two children, one of whom has severe autism.

For a Severely Autistic Young Man, a Life of Purpose and True Inclusion at an All-Abilities Farm

“In the city or near cars he has to be closely supervised and monitored. On the farm he walks far ahead and makes his way on ground that is safe and kind to him.”

Thomas at work at Common Roots Farm in Santa Cruz, California.

Thomas at work at Common Roots Farm in Santa Cruz, California.

By Sarah Fairchild

A Feeling of Belonging. Unconditional Support. Being Seen and Accepted. We all strive to have these elements in our lives, and we passionately want them for our children. But when I consider a young adult like my Thomas, a handsome, wonderful young man with severe autism, I have always harbored a fear that these essential elements of life would be elusive.

Thomas is anxious, sensitive and wary. He is not able to have a conversation with words. He fixates on things like needing to wear the same shirt (or same few shirts) all the time. He wore red lobster pajamas for about 7 months and dramatically fretted each and every time he was separated from them for washing. He hates when almost any of his clothes have to be in the washer. While he’s waiting for the washer to finish he will rock on his feet and hold his fingers tightly, crushing his little pinky finger down sideways under all the other fingers in the same hand. He once pried a locked washer door open, bent the metal to get to his clothes. He can’t be without his water bottle, on which he taps, taps, taps all day and all night. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don't think there is anything wrong with his attributes, but as he turned 18 and then 21 and he aged out of the school system and left his school-based community, I worried whether Thomas would find people to be his community, and I didn’t think he wanted to be alone. Then he found Common Roots Farm.

Thomas started volunteering at Common Roots Farm in Santa Cruz, California about four years ago, before there were crop rows or raised beds. He started at the beginning when the farm needed his strong body to move soil around. He began doing work like shoveling and pushing a wheelbarrow, and it was great. He was good at these things! He liked the predictability of the expectations and how he could do the work independently. When he got tired and wanted to gallop around (he gallops more than runs) while shouting and making shrill noises, it was OK. He was not expected to be anything but who he was. He liked that. No shaming. No sideways glances, just “Hi Thomas, happy to see you” as he whizzed by.

As the crops got situated and fences got put in, Thomas found new work. The inclusion specialist helped him learn how to cut plant debris into smaller pieces for better composting, and he focused on it for hours at a time, and was proud of his accomplishments! He has taken on watering, harvesting tomatoes, and hauling weeds. As years have gone by, he now knows the farm, he feels comfortable there. He feels wanted, and understood there.

New crops sprouting at Common Roots Farm.

New crops sprouting at Common Roots Farm.

In the city or near cars he has to be closely supervised and monitored. On the farm he walks far ahead and makes his way on ground that is safe and kind to him. When other Common Roots Farm folk see Thomas, and say “Hi” to him, he gets a little grin but keeps on moving. Which is what feels right for him. He doesn’t feel comfortable stopping too much. And no one minds. In fact, they smile too. He’s accepted for who he is, and also cherished for the man he’s become. And for us both, it’s a tremendous blessing.

Sarah Fairchild and her son Thomas live in California. You can learn more about Common Roots Farm here. “At Common Roots Farm, people with and without disabilities can participate on our urban farm, taking care of plants and animals, and creating friendships with one another that sustain everyone.”

Some Autism Podcasts to Keep You Company During the New Lockdowns

With the latest surge in Covid a lot of us will be locked down at home and perhaps seeking a bit of non-contagious company. Here are four autism- and DD- oriented podcasts to consider, and please let us know others we should add to our list:

Screen Shot 2020-11-17 at 3.30.57 PM.png

Autastic: A Comedian’s Guide to Autism
Featuring comedians Kirk Smith and Graham Kay. They discuss their own loved ones with autism and comment on autism in the news.

Autism Science Foundation Podcast
Featuring Alycia Halladay, PhD, Chief Science Officer, Autism Science Foundation. Focuses on the latest developments in autism research.

LOMAH Special Needs Podcast
Deep dives into a multitude of topics (eg, special needs planning, severe behaviors, education). Featuring Kim Albrecht, a California-based autism mom

Screen Shot 2020-11-17 at 3.30.12 PM.png

Disorderly Blondes
South Florida moms, Brenda and Kristi, candidly discuss special needs (autism) motherhood while balancing heels, cocktails, and meltdowns.

Coffee with Caregivers
Jess Ronne of JessPlusTheMess.com chats with caregivers about the joys and trials of raising a child with complex needs. Jess is also the founder and executive director of The Lucas Project—a non-profit which provides recognition, resources, and respite for special needs families.

Making Scents Out of Autism
Autism moms discuss starting Beloved Bath- a candle and soap business that provides meaningful employment for people with autism.

A 25 Year Look Across the Spectrum with Kelly Bermingham & Jen Lucero
Kelly (McKinnon) Bermingham, MA, BCBA 25 years in the field of helping adults and children with autism talks to Jennifer, mom to Dylan (with ASD age 21) about different topics related to supporting and living with autism. Hear how they combine research topics with real-life experiences in these quick and easy to listen episodes.

Death by Severe Autism

In the wake of senseless tragedy, a psychiatrist reflects on severe autism’s painful realities.  

Photos, flowers and tributes in front of the scorched home of autism advocate Feda Almaliti and her son Muhammed.

Photos, flowers and tributes in front of the scorched home of autism advocate Feda Almaliti and her son Muhammed.

By Lee E. Wachtel, MD

With the presidential election only two weeks away, our country stands at a tremendous crossroads during an era of unprecedented health and social challenge. Our lives literally seem at stake. As Republicans and Democrats spar on hotly contested issues ranging from Covid-19 to racial and social equity, climate change and the Supreme Court, disability activists are also jockeying for power and planning their next steps in whatever administration the American people elect. 

I had been quite excited to participate in some of these political advocacy initiatives, until I was upbraided and accused of “ableism” and hurting others’ feelings when I asked what plans might include those with severe autism and intellectual disability. I was informed that “severe” was an unacceptable term, and as discussion of this topic was deeply upsetting to some individuals, I would be dismissed from the committee if I mentioned it again. 

Let's be clear. There is obviously, without any doubt, such a thing as severe autism. The tragic death of autism advocate Feda Almaliti and her autistic 15-year-old son Muhammed (often called “Mu” or “Hammoudeh”) in a house fire in the early hours of September 26 underscores this reality, and also just how critical it is to never back down. We must never allow the plight of children and families dealing with severe autism to be suppressed by advocates who actively seek to downplay the serious mental challenges that ended up killing both Mu and his mother.

Feda, her sister Maysoon and Maysoon's daughter safely exited the burning home, but Feda ran back inside and upstairs to save Mu. Maysoon described what happened next:

“I ran back to the front door to scream for Feda again- as if that would help her come down faster. I can hear the popping of glass and the faint noises of Hammoudeh crying, “No, No, No" in response to Feda pleading with him. ‘HAMMOUDEH COME ON WE HAVE TO GO, NOW, WE HAVE TO GET OUT NOW!’

“The crying and screaming start to fade, probably not lasting more than thirty seconds. Then it stops and all I can hear is myself screaming for Feda and the words ‘my family.’ The realization of how useless and helpless I became made me sick and I wondered if my heart would give out any second.”

In other words, Feda ran back into the burning two-story structure to coax her 6’2”, 280-pound autistic son out of his room and down the stairs. But he would not budge, and Feda stayed. When the fire officials found the bodies, Feda was embracing Mu.

After a colleague and autism parent commented that “Autism killed Feda and Mu,” I had the chilling recognition that these two incredible people died a horrific death precisely because a severely autistic and intellectually disabled kid was unable to transition from point A to point B.

I’ve worked with autistic youth for nearly two decades and have seen countless behavioral protocols developed with intricate layers of reinforcement to gain compliance with necessary daily transitions. Yet while I’ve had kids plop down in the road or tantrum naked in busy airport hallways, I’ve never had any autistic child suffocate and burn for failure to move. 

Typical teens in this crisis would have immediately run down the stairs. Indeed, most people with autism would have done so as well. The autism and disability advocates who attend college and graduate school, tweet their condemnations of autism parents, and campaign for policy reform and who are largely capable of high levels of independent stewardship, would have not hesitated. And those with physical handicap without severe mental and intellectual disability would have grasped the urgency of the situation and likely followed a planned and practiced exit strategy. 

Feda Almaliti was an autism trailblazer beyond compare, and her autistic son Mu was cherished for his infectious joy. But by any reasonable measure, his autism was completely unlike that of the autism self-advocates. It was severe – Feda herself described him as “Autistic as F&@#” — and was compounded by severe intellectual disability. Most importantly, in a dire situation his severe impairments rendered him incapable of taking a simple action to save his own life. If Mu had mild autism, and lesser intellectual disability, I have no doubt he would have heeded his mother's words and fled the fire. Mild and severe. More and fewer IQ points. It all matters. It matters so much that in this case it meant the difference between life and death.

My one hope is that this tragedy may actually serve as a lesson to disability activists who dismiss the reality and plight of the severely disabled while narrow-mindedly pursuing their own agendas. There are so many Mus and Fedas out there facing horrendous hardships. Dismissing their realities — as I was essentially asked to do by current disability leaders — would not only have been a grave violation of the medical ethics to which I adhere, it would carry potentially devastating consequences for national disability programs and policy. 

Whichever administration is in power after the election, they need to hear about severe autism. They need to hear about it loud and clear. Lives are on the line. 

Lee Elizabeth Wachtel, MD, is a pediatric neuropsychiatrist and the Medical Director of the Neurobehavioral Unit at the Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore, Maryland, an inpatient unit serving youth with neurodevelopmental disabilities and severe behavioral and psychiatric disturbance. She is also an Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. 

A House, a Friend, and Something To Do

“They had no vendors who could actually work with a kid like Wesley…. The law is set up to keep people in their communities. But because appropriate services don’t exist, it does the opposite.

Dad and Wesley walking through his residential campus, out of state, last winter.

Dad and Wesley walking through his residential campus, out of state, last winter.

By Jennifer Bush

As our community grapples with the loss of NCSA co-founder and Vice President Feda Alamliti, I’ve been trying to get to know her better. While we shared many Facebook friends, and our kids — just a couple years apart — shared spots at a similar end of the spectrum, I never met Feda. But she started work I’d like to continue. So I’ve been watching her videos.

Last night I watched this interview with Feda. And I was struck by what Feda wished for her son as he grew into adulthood: a house, a friend and something to do. So simple, basic, obvious. But I can’t get these words out of my head.

Because it’s what I, too, wish for my child. Not just when he becomes an adult, but now. And it is so hard to come by.

Wesley, my 13 year old, moved into his first group home just shy of his 11th birthday. We had been living day to day for so long, managing aggressive and self-injurious behaviors, extreme insomnia, obsessive eating and more. We were in crisis, but still, it took a year to get a placement. During that time, three homes, designated to care for the most severely affected kids, had rejected him because of his behaviors. 

Wesley’s group home was just 20 minutes away, run by a loving and consistent staff. He was able to continue at his school, and we visited at least once a week. He did well there. And then, suddenly, the group home closed because they could no longer afford to keep it open. We were lucky to get a second placement, but this home had more difficulty keeping Wesley safe and happy. Then they too closed their doors. So in October 2019, Wesley moved back home.

We briefly felt whole again, with all four of us back under one roof. But the challenges were still there. Wesley would go long stretches with very little sleep. We would struggle to contain hours-long meltdowns. The regional center, the agency in CA designated to provide services to people with developmental disabilities, authorized plenty of in-home services, from respite to crisis intervention. But they had no vendors who could actually work with a kid like Wesley. Our case manager told us, literally, not to hold our breaths that we’d find another group home.

So we made the heartbreaking decision to send Wesley to a residential school out of state. CA closed the last of its institutions, called “developmental centers,” a few years ago, for good reason. But this left a void for kids like Wesley, who need more structure than a group home can provide. He needs 24/7 support. He needs consistency across environments and integrated medical and psychological care. He needs people who can keep him busy and engaged, as he gets bored easily. First and foremost, he needs people who can keep him safe. He needs, like Feda said, a house, a friend, and something to do.

Wesley’s first day at school earlier this year, age 13.

Wesley’s first day at school earlier this year, age 13.

And this is where the work comes in. The state of California is failing to provide services to the people who need them most, despite the Lanterman Act, the law that compels it to. The state will not pay for out of state services without massive legal and administrative hoops because the law is set up to keep people in their communities. But because appropriate services don’t exist, it does the opposite. It is shameful that in a state as big and wealthy as ours, there is not one residential school for children and young adults like Wesley, let alone when they age out.

The Lanterman Act says that if services don’t exist they must create them. But all of the consequences of their failure to do so fall squarely on the profoundly disabled and their families. There are no consequences to the regional centers, Department of Development Services, or any other state entity. Other states have their own challenge, with decades-long waiting lists for services. 

Feda Almaliti took on insurance companies to fight for our kids. And she won. Next up: our failing state system. What will you fight for?

Jennifer Bush is a writer and designer living in Silicon Valley. She blogged for several years about her family's experiences with autism diagnosis and early intervention at her blog Anybody Want a Peanut?

Disclaimer: Blogposts on the NCSA blog represent the opinions of the individual authors and not necessarily the views or positions of the NCSA or its board of directors.


#There’sNoOneLikeFeda

NCSA President Jill Escher shares some personal reminiscences about her colleague and friend Feda Almaliti, the NCSA co-founder and Vice President who tragically died with her beloved autistic son Muhammed on September 26 (see our tribute here).

“These vignettes provide just a glimpse into Feda’s colorful personality,” says Escher. “They are not meant to explain the arc of her advocacy work, just some stories to allow her unique humor and spirit to shine on a bit longer.”

#It’sAGift

Scenes from autism conferences Feda helped to organize.

Scenes from autism conferences Feda helped to organize.

As much as Feda adored Mu, she had no illusions about the seriousness of his condition, and would often ridicule the neurodiversity celebration of autism with her ironic hashtag #ItsAGift

After our friend’s autistic son bashed his head into a bloody pulp Feda would text #ItsAGift. When Mu would leave a bruise on her leg the size of a grapefruit, she'd roll her eyes and say #ItsAGift. When my son shredded my car’s interior, I knew what hashtag was coming.

But perhaps autism WAS a gift to Feda in a certain respect. It was a boundary-breaker that pushed her into a limitless world of people and purpose. Married at 17, with a first son at 18, and without even a high school diploma, Feda perhaps had a fairly constrained life, but one with brilliance and creative energy brimming inside. Autism was like her Big Bang, and she was grateful for it. She once quipped, “Before autism, the highlight of my week was reading the circular from Macy’s.”

Perfect Black

Screen Shot 2020-10-06 at 7.47.47 PM.png

Feda rejected political correctness. With her genuine love for people of all backgrounds (including Jews like me), she knew the glue that held people together was humor, the ability to poke fun — based on a foundation of genuine respect, and not some eggshell-walking fear of offending.

Potty-mouthed Feda was an equal opportunity offender. One night she took me and our dear friend Mawuko (whom she had nicknamed "Perfect Black") out to see a Black standup comic who delivered 45 minutes of nonstop sexually and racially offensive drivel. Well I thought it was drivel but Feda laughed hysterically the entire time.

Her cross-cultural affections, though, were a serious matter. Less than a week before she died she told us about a handsome, successful Muslim man she was online dating. But then, she said, on Facebook she posted a big "Shana Tova!" meme for Jewish New Year. The guy saw it and reprimanded Feda, saying he could never lay his hands on a woman who befriended Jews. Disgusted, she dropped him like a hot potato, or knish.

She and I used to joke that together, having experienced the common bonds of humanity through our lives with severe autism, we could create peace in the Middle East.

sweater.jpg
IMG_3541.jpg

Even in a hijab or headscarf, Feda could rock an Ugly Christmas Sweater. She played Santa Claus at a special autism family holiday concert at Stanford. Her bestie “soul sister” Alicia was a devout Catholic.

She considered most supposed differences merely superficial, and made fun of absolutely everyone, even herself. After I asked that attendees at a gathering called “Autism On Tap” wear nametags, Feda showed up with hers saying, “TOKEN MUSLIM.”

Her perfect world would have been a blend of aromatic Palestinian cuisine (at which she was a master), Curb Your Enthusiasm and RuPaul’s Drag Race. She lovingly called an adorable and flamboyant young man who worked with her son Mu “My Gay.” I think she wanted her world spiced with every color of the human rainbow.

Feda was just completely authentic, completely curious, and had little patience for social niceties. One day we went out for a lunch with an elderly, genteel friend in her 80s. After our friend showed us pictures of her boyfriend, Feda blurted, "You have to tell me, DO YOU GUYS HAVE SEX?”

Ah how you will be missed, #Towelhead.

The Supreme Leader

Screen Shot 2020-10-06 at 7.47.32 PM.png

Being Autism Society San Francisco Bay Area President to Feda's VP meant enduring years of mockery, including being called "THE SUPREME LEADER KIM JONG JILL.” (Okay, I suppose I could be a little bossy at times….)

Feda’s rendering of  “Supreme Leader Kim Jong Jill.”

Feda’s rendering of “Supreme Leader Kim Jong Jill.”

One time she invited people to an SFASA pre-conference dinner as such:

"Comrades, You are hear-by ordered BEFORE November 7, 2018 to report your attendance status to the Ministry of Unification. Those who fail to do so by that date shall be summarily executed for defying an order from our Eternal General. 
—Feda Almaliti, Unworthy Servant of the Leader of Our Party Long Live Kim Jong Jill. 

Warning: The placement of this official email in any “Trash,” “Junk,” or “Spam” folder is punishable by the removal of a thumb.”

Oh What a Feeling

From Feda’s Facebook feed.

From Feda’s Facebook feed.

Three years ago Feda and I flew to San Diego for the Autism Law Summit, an event that was to close with a talent show. Happy to skip out on some of the sessions I trudged to a nearby Goodwill to find a baggy sweatshirt she would slash into a costume for a Flashdance "What a Feeling" routine. 

Besides the attire, there were two props, a chair (of course) and a big cup of water, that I, hidden just offstage, was to splash on her face at the very moment she struck her final pose.

Unfortunately I was laughing so uncontrollably during her routine (as was the entire audience) I completely forgot to throw the water, so there she was legs astride the chair, her back arched, yelling "water!"

As we got off the stage she rolled her eyes in disbelief, saying, "YOU HAD JUST ONE JOB!" 

“Gel or Acrylic?”

Screen Shot 2020-10-06 at 7.48.23 PM.png

Manicures were not my thing but Feda knew that autism moms needed a break whether they admitted it or not. So when Feda said “Bitch, we’re getting our nails done!” you went and you loved every second. 

Science Freak. Not.

Screen Shot 2020-10-06 at 7.48.36 PM.png

Feda had no great love for science but was humorously supportive of my autism research work, which she nicknamed the #FuckedEggs Hypothesis of Autism (actually, mostly accurate).

You have to hand it to her. To me it's the "Germline Toxicant Exposure and Dysregulated Transcription of Brain Development Genes" hypothesis and hers was just plain old, direct #FuckedEggs. Hers was better, an A+ to my B-.

She gifted me many trinkets along this theme. A DNA scarf, sperm earrings, sperm necklace, and a #SexCells pendant among them. She said #SexCells, which was of course a play on the words “Sex Sells,” would be the name of my book about #FuckedEggs and sperm. She gave me permission to use her and Mu’s likeness and story in many scientific presentations. 

I am #ForeverGrateful.

Bringing the Mountain to Muhammed

Mu and Feda at a fundraiser earlier this year.

Mu and Feda at a fundraiser earlier this year.

Feda was just an awesome mom. She worked tirelessly for Mu and gave him his best life. But at several junctures I felt it was simply not safe for Mu to live with her; he was huge, strong and willful, and too often damaged the home or (inadvertently) hurt her. When I suggested she have him placed in professional care, she resisted. Instead she would “move the mountain to Muhammed” so to speak, and after much advocating boosted the array of services for him at home. She succeeded to an extent, but was left alone at night. And that was not enough to save him, or her.

Feda made this video earlier this year about Mu’s “Dope Life.” Enjoy.

Get to know Feda: Here she is being interviewed by her friend and colleague Sarah Trautman. You can watch it here.

Get to know Feda: Here she is being interviewed by her friend and colleague Sarah Trautman. You can watch it here.

Feda wanted to make the autism world a happier place, and she succeeded with her own son, her local community (too many SFASA activities to count), her state (helping pass insurance reform), and the country (as a national advocate for severe autism). She had so very much to offer, and will be greatly missed.

Jill Escher is the President of the National Council on Severe Autism and Immediate Past President of Autism Society San Francisco Bay Area. She is also an autism research philanthropist, through the Escher Fund for Autism.

Ways to honor and remember Feda and Muhammed here